Relationships - more Information & Resources

The relationship field received a shake-up some years ago when husband & wife authors, therapists & researchers, John and Julie Gottman, critiqued the low 30% “success” rate of Relationship Therapy, challenging well-intentioned counsellors who “dabble in couples,” trying to apply the same principles that work in one-on-one psychotherapy.  In individual therapy, the personal qualities of the therapist, especially their ability to create a safe, attuned relationship, tends to be a more important predictor of successful outcome than any particular method they might be using.  However, the Gottman research showed that successful relationship intervention requires highly specialised knowledge and skills, including a practical understanding of why and how couples get stuck in distressed negative cycles of interaction, and what helps them instead build and sustain a healthier, positive cycle.

Part of this understanding involves the new science of stress reactivity, including how in couples, fight/flight/freeze reactions can manifest in behaviour that can lead towards unhappiness or separation. Gottman calls these the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: i) criticising/blaming; ii) defending; iii) stonewalling; & iv) contempt.  Understanding this intellectually will not create change, so much as becoming aware of how this feels from the inside, emotionally, bodily and behaviourally, and learning how to slow things down in order to interrupt the reactive cycle, and practice more effective ways of getting needs and feelings heard and met.  Part of the change process can also include learning to emotionally regulate self and partner when “triggered,” as is inevitable in any close, long-term relationship.  Given the negative survival brain bias to perceive threat, even a partner as “predator,” the Gottmans stress the need for the therapy process to counter this, by supporting couples to recognise, take in, and build up more positive behaviours & experiences of safety, satisfaction and connection.

The Gottman research recommends Relationship Therapists incorporate these understandings into specific models that have been proven to work for couples.  One such model with a much higher success rate of around 70% – and the one preferred by Maggie – is Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT-C).  Based on attachment theory, this systematic approach helps couples track their own negative cycle or dance as a first step to figuring out how to recognise when they are triggered, how to interrupt this, and how to begin experiencing and practicing something different.  This typically involves dropping below the content or “story” of the conflict, into the underlying body sensations and emotions, and the universal but often underestimated attachment longing to feel safe, secure and understood.

Another helpful model used by Maggie, and incorporating both attachment and the neuroscience of emotional regulation, is Stan Tatkin’s Psycho-biological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT).  Both of these models, and the Gottman research support the idea that differences and some level of conflict in relationships is inevitable.  The goal is therefore not to avoid conflict (more couples separate from drifting away from each other than from high levels of conflict), but to help couples know how to navigate differences in ways that don’t ultimately compromise safety and connection.

One of the interesting findings for Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples is that couples rate the quality of their closeness and connection higher as time goes on, including long after the therapy has finished.  This is in contrast to other approaches where couples often say their hard-earned improvements didn’t “hold” after they stopped therapy.  Increased closeness as time goes on fits with the idea that, as couples “practice” behaviours such as expressing feelings and needs without criticism, tuning in, quickly repairing, and helping each other regulate the distress caused when safety is threatened, their confidence & skills to do this grows.

Sadly, couples sometimes tolerate years of distress and increasing distance before seeking help, by which time one or both partners may feel separation is the only option. Not seeking support earlier is another reason why the success rate of relationship therapy is not higher, and why some in the Relationships field advocate for more pre and early marriage/partnership retreats and counselling. Unfortunately there continues to be a stigma around therapy in Australia and an attitude that it is only for “relationships on the rocks,” rather than viewing it as helpful for any relationship at any point in time. This is one of the reasons why Maggie has developed the six-week Live & Online Relationship Renew program for any and all couples, not just those experiencing distress.

Central to all Maggie’s work is the understanding of universality - i.e. relationships are hard for everyone because we all are wired for love AND wired for threat. This tricky combination makes it challenging to emotionally regulate both ourselves as an individual and our relationship as a dyad system. Contrary to popular assumptions, we all need to actually practice living and loving well.

Recommended Books & Talks to support your relationship include: 

1)    Sue Johnson – Hold me Tight, Brown Book Group, 2011.

2) John & Julie Gottman - The Seven Day Love Prescription, Penguin Life, 2022

3)    Stan Tatkin, Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship, New Harbinger Publications Inc. 2011.

4)    Jennifer Fitzgerald and Veronica Kallos-Lilly – An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples,  Routledge 2015.

5) Gottman Card Decks App: A free Relationship App from the Gottman Institute with helpful prompts, questions & ideas for cultivating connection & improving relationship, https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/

 6)    John Gottman & Nan Silver – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999.

7) Two one-hour interviews with Stan Tatkin with Tami Simon on website Sounds True: Insights at the Edge.  Putting your relationship first: Lessons from your brain on Love, Part 1 July 9, 2013 and Part 2 July 16, 2013. 

Sex & Intimacy

8) The Pleasure Principle: 2021 3-Part Documentary streaming on Netflix

9) Emily Nagoski, 9min TED talk ‘How Couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a Lifetime: & paperback published by Scribe (make sure you get the updated 2021 version: Come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life.

10)) ‘How Safety leads to better Sex,’ Excellent in-depth Podcast interview with Sue Johnson (founder of EFT-C Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples) by Neil Sattin on his Relationship Alive podcast, Ep. 82

11) Tracey Cox, author of Great Sex Starts at 50, interviewed for Radio National 2021, 14mins

12) Sexologist Tanya Coens, “Closing the Orgasm Gap”: the hook up podcast.

13) Ian Kerner, 2004, She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. 29-min interview with the author

It is worth stating that for some couples, separation is a positive option, giving both people the best option of happiness, whether or not they choose to remain single or re-partner. Many couples who do decide to separate, give feedback that they still found the group training or counselling process helpful in terms of understanding more about what went wrong, what might help in future relationships, letting go of the relationship knowing they had left no stone unturned, and/or figuring out how they can safely navigate childcare or any other future shared arrangements with their ex-partner.